I had a really difficult day yesterday.  It doesn’t matter what the story was, it could be any of our stories, but it was a catalyst for me to think about narcissistic abuse. “Whether it’s a parent, sibling, partner, or boss,” I asked myself, “what commonality makes relationships with them so damaging?” It took some searching before I realized that the narcissist makes us feel like we are living in a funhouse of sorts, where all the floors and walls are slowly but constantly moving. The furniture is always in a different place when we wake up… maybe only moved an inch, but enough for us to say, “Hey wait! Wasn’t that over there yesterday?” Enough to leave us feeling unbalanced and on constant alert.

Ever so slowly, we lose our proprioception, our ability to know where we stand in time and space. And it is impossible to adapt, to course correct, like an airplane whose autopilot cannot fix onto a satellite. The question is: How do I manage this feeling of being lost? How do I stay balanced against such unbalance? How do I keep myself from being activated, especially in those times when I must deal with my abuser?

“The [narcissist] hijacks our inner critic and lives in our mind,” says Sam Vaknin, an Israeli professor of psychology and the author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited. "The voice of the inner critic becomes theirs, not ours.” As long as we stay in our heads, the heads our narcissistic abusers hijacked, they will continue to control us. But what if instead we go to our heart space? our higher, timeless self? Once we’ve taken ourselves out of rational thinking, we can ask ourselves again: What will it take for me to gain equilibrium and balance in this situation, and thus regain my sovereignty? 

The answer might not come immediately, especially if you are still in your head, but if you get quiet enough, close your eyes, breathe deeply a few times, and concentrate on your heart space, a small and faint voice will come out of the darkness. The answer is different for everyone, but for me, balance happens when I am in harmony with nature, when I am working with my horses or walking in a field or sometimes just sitting under a tree watching the birds and mountains. The simple everyday things found in nature bring me back to the present and myself, back to awareness. And when I am in this awareness, the narcissist has no power over me.  

I have learned over time that it is only when I seek to meet narcissists head-on that I get into trouble. Best for me and for you to not spend much time in our hijacked head space thinking, ruminating, and spiraling. Finding and activating our heart space brings us back to balance. Since everything in nature seeks equilibrium, it works for me, and I can show you how to make it work for you.

To gain the skills to effectively get your narcissist out of your head once and for all, contact me at katelyn@coachkatelyn.com. I’m here to help.