You are upset.  Something he did or said triggered intense emotion in you.  It may have been accidental or deliberate, but the fact remains you are upset.  It doesn’t matter if it is justified.  Sure, you could always drop it and sometimes you may decide that is the best idea for the moment, but do not make a decision until you read this.

Does this sound like you?

"But if I confront him and tell him what I really feel, he will”: 

• Get angry.
•  Leave
• Shut down.
• Stop loving me.

Or maybe this is how you're feeling: 

"I can't tell him how I feel because I..." 

• Fear rejection when standing up for myself.
• Secretly don’t believe my opinion is valid.
• Am not quite sure what I need and want.
• Have had negative experiences in the past.
• Fear hurting someone else’s feelings.
• Am not all that confident in my beliefs and values.

 

There are valid reasons to confront him when he upsets you.  Here are a few of the biggies:

1.     It shifts the focus of personal control to you.  If you do not speak up, you are defaulting to a victim position.  This is never good for your self- esteem or for elevating how he views you.  By taking your power back, you can immediately raise your level of desirability.

2.     You get to recognize and realize that what you do affects your circumstances.  Understanding this alone can raise self-esteem, motivation and success even if you have had a few shaky starts.

3.     It allows for a genuine connection.  In my years as a love and relationship coach, I found that when couples face a loss of connection or passion, resentment was most often the culprit.  Often the offense is minor, but if left unexpressed and allowed to build up over the years, it can lead to break up or divorce.  By airing hurts in a safe way, we can find where the love is.

4.     It helps him learn and the entire group (couple or family) will function better.  When everyone is on the same page, when there is no dirty laundry, the group is in harmony. 

When you tell your vulnerable truth, there are risks. But aren’t the risks worth it if it leads to a more intimate and loving relationship?  Thankfully there are ways to minimize the risks.  If you follow my instructions, tools and tips, you are almost insured to improve your relationship and get your needs met at the same time. 

Try This:

1.  Notice the origin of his pain.  I did not say, “Make excuses for him.”  It is never OK to do that.  I learned from my years as a Horse Whisperer that if you understand that no one, not horse or man is born malicious at heart.  Every time your man hurts you, he is doing one of 2 things:
2. He is externalizing his own pain or insecurity.  He was hurt by someone else, so he learned it is OK to hurt you.  They might actually feel guilty about it and do it anyway. 
3. Negligence.  He is clueless or unaware or he has little empathy due to past pain or insecurity.

This might be hard for you to accept because is just easier to label him as a villain or a jerk while you complain about  and lick your wounds.

I used to live in the city.  Now I am blessed to live in paradise. 

I was often stuck in traffic.  I noticed myself having the same inner and sometimes outer “road rage” tendencies as other drivers. 

We jockeyed for position, flipped each other off, honked horns and swore under our breath. 

We were all under the same stress of getting to our appointment or home for dinner on time.  And one day I made eye contact with another driver and her face looked as frustrated as mine. We were both tight lipped, white knuckled and twisted up.

The shift was immediate.

By seeing that we were in it together, I was able to change my experience.  The traffic didn’t go away, but I no longer felt so stressed about it.  I realized it wasn’t personal.  And when someone did flip me off or cut me off, I had a new acceptance, generosity and understanding. 

Yes, but this isn’t traffic you’re thinking.  When your man hurts you, it seems super personal, because you love him. I know.  I have felt that stab-in-my-heart pain as recently as yesterday.

But, I catch myself and remember, as can you, that everybody hurts.

Try to see him as a fellow human rather than an enemy. 

When you do this, it soothes your anxiety so that you can calmly come up with a way to talk to him about it. 

Offer him a clear way to win. 

Confrontation escalates quickly into conflict when you scream about what he did wrong without suggesting what could be right. 

Saying, “What you did was not OK!”…doesn’t help you or him.  At best, he will feel bad, but will probably avoid you out of discomfort. At worst, he will get defensive and conflict will escalate.

Instead, Say, “I would feel a lot better if you could pay attention to this….”  This might be enough.  You state what might make you feel better and give a winning suggestion of what he might do without blaming him and making him the enemy.

Or…

If that doesn’t work, you can negotiate by saying, “ I feel (angry, hurt etc.).  I don’t like feeling that way.   What do you think?”  Offer him a chance to solve the problem or at least be part of the solution.  Don’t worry if things aren’t solved instantly. 

Let him do what men like to do.  Allow him time to come up with something helpful.  You can always revisit it later.  What is most important here is you spoke up in a way that was not injurious to your partner.  You’ll get better at it with practice.  And once you see positive result with this way of communicating, you’ll want to practice all the time!

 Get clear about your boundaries.

Often he doesn’t even know what he did to provoke you.  Sometimes you don’t even know. Identifying the boundary that was crossed, helps to depersonalize things.  It isn’t him that is bad, it is the behavior that crossed the line.  Share your truth in clear terms without blaming him.

“When I feel like my opinions are ignored, I feel like shutting down and not sharing what’s important to me.”

He knows what’s wrong and how it will affect your relationship in the future.  It is not a threat or an ultimatum.  You are simply speaking your truth clearly. There is no ambiguity or misunderstanding.

There is another more hidden win-win to this.  You can see if your boundaries are in a good place.  When we are reactive, everything seems can feel like an attack.  Maybe instead of him breaking a boundary, one of your insecurities got revealed.

As a dating coach, I often see certain patterns among a woman’s exes. Sometimes fear of intimacy allows you to create boundaries that are impossible not to cross.  If you have a recurring problem with men, maybe you are blaming the new man for the old wound.   

I hope this helps…..You can find more tips to great love and relationships by joining my private circle here. 

Love in Whispers, 

Coach Katelyn