My Relationship is Off the Rails
Your Relationship Is Off The Rails…. And you PANIC!
You sense he’s backing away from you….
He is not talking. He seems cold and distant.
You spy him looking at other women or he comments about the new beauty in yoga class.
Maybe he doesn't call as often, or starts hesitating about making plans.
Maybe he isn't as affectionate, or he doesn't want to rip your clothes off all the time. Or maybe he's just acting a little "off" and you can't put your finger on why.
What do you do?
If you're like I was and many women who write me, you panic.
You start watching your man like a hawk.
Not observing him, like I suggest, but reading meaning into everything he does.
Your thoughts become about him and only him 24/7. You have trouble sleeping. You analyze his every move - by yourself and with your friends.
He says he needs space? Oh Crap! Now What?
Your feelings build up until you can't take it anymore, and so you try to talk with him about it. You tell him how you're feeling, you ask him what's wrong and you ask him lots of questions.
And then your worst nightmare happens.
He gets all weird and tells you he needs space. Or he actually says he wants to end things. You probably feel like the heavens are crashing down on you and the earth is falling out from under your feet.
If you could only take back your words; turn back the clock…..but you can't.
So you blame yourself, adding to the pain you already feel.
STOP! Please! Let me tell you what happened and how to fix it.
Do this:
Ask yourself what you were feeling when you had the conversation with him.
Dig deep. Be honest.
“I feel, I felt or I am feeling…" Use this format to understand what you are really feeling and how it feels in your body.
What? Insecurity? Unworthiness? Lack? Not good enough? Something else?
How about I give you one simple word.. FEAR!
It's not what you said dear one, it's where you were in your body when you said it. You were OPERATING OUT OF FEAR. You were so stuck in “it” that this fear created certain uninviting conditions, I call vibrations or energetic frequency or simply “vibe”, that are NOT conducive to a man wanting to be close to you. You were projecting a vibe that made him scatter like mice in bright lights!
What I Learned About Men Is They Are Much Like Horses….They Just Don't Process Emotions The Way We Do.
I'll let you in on a "secret" that will change your life:
Men aren't as good at deciphering and handling certain emotions the way we can. This does not mean they don’t want to hear about our feelings. It means that big feelings like FEAR scare them, because they think that if you're anxious and afraid, they did something to cause it.
Often times, just like horses, men can’t even decipher what the emotion or feeling coming from us is, and they have 2, maybe 3 mostly unconscious ideas about it. It either feels good, it feels bad or doesn’t feel like anything.
When dealing with horses and men, when you project energy or a vibe and it feels good or neutral, they often stay calm and close. When you project something that feels bad or uncomfortable, they do one of 4 things. You can bet on it!
I call it the 4F’s:
- They FLEE (retreat- run away)
- They FIGHT (get angry)
- They FREEZE (paralyzed as to what to do, get very quiet)
- They FOOL AROUND (avoid the situation by making a joke or creating a distraction)
Even if your man did cause the situation, he often feels so badly about it that he can't help you through it in the moment. They get so uncomfortable that they just want to escape the feeling any way they can.
Men don't necessarily want to run from us, although that's what it may look like on the surface. They just can’t handle the heat like we can. It is really too painful for these sensitive creatures.
I had a client who asked me straight out…”Why can’t men just grow a set? Why do we have to do all the work?
Well, beautiful ladies, because we are the divine creatures, the brave ones who show up.
I have always had great compassion, patience and gratitude for the horses who taught me much of what I know about human nature. Over the years, I learned to read them and see and feel their nuances and listen to them and understand their language…and then I began to transfer that understanding to humans and it worked 100% of the time!
It has helped me be the coach I am today.
Look at it like this: Liken men to our very primitive ancestors, when facing a T-Rex or a Saber Tooth-Tiger with just a crude spear or rock, they just want to get the heck out of there. The fight or flight response overwhelmingly takes over. Men often can't think in a situation like this - much less respond.
It's a purely physical reaction.
So, when you're coming at him from a place of fear or other emotion that triggers something they can’t process, they literally are not physically able to handle it.
Use Your Vibe To Your Advantage
Going back to our caveman example, once he was away from the danger, man could stop running. His racing heart would slow down, and he could gather up his thoughts and his bearings. He could remember he had ventured out to bring his family food, and he could get back to work.
What I'm trying to say is that a man's feelings can change VERY QUICKLY.
Like the horses I learned from, man can quickly go from wanting to get away from you to remembering why was attracted to you in the first place - if the conditions are right.
Meaning that instead of freaking out whenever a man tries to pull a fast one, you do the opposite—You create a sense of safety.
What a man is really looking for - whether he's a caveman hunting dinner or your boyfriend trying to meet a deadline at work or a horse in a corral - is a safe place to land….With you.
Do This:
- Stop obsessing about the problem(s) you're worried about.
- Stop trying to talk with him about them in the way you have been doing in the past.
- Start being the woman a man naturally feels safe with.
This might sound like its coming from a man doesn’t it? A client accused me of that once. She said, “This all sounds like something a man would say to get his own way.”….and she was right…well half right.
She continued on to say, “And if it did come from a man, then by agreeing, aren’t we just enabling him to be the often frustrating boys that our men already seem to be? Aren’t we just catering to their already bad behavior?”
AHHHH! Great question right?
Horses showed me that there is a very definite and important distinction to be made here. You see, when trying to gain their trust, if I simply did what was necessary to allow them to feel safe in my presence so they would stay with me, it would never work. Not really.
Although feeling safe in your presence is a good first and very important step, “our” needs are important too. Unless your needs are met so that you also feel a sense of well-being, it is near impossible to create and maintain a safe space for him to land. You can only ‘fake it til you make it' for so long. Remember, men are sensitive creatures, they know when we are being inauthentic or fake.
Hang with me ladies, that was a mouthful, but it’s easier than you think!
Hint: You cannot give him the same kinds of things you need…. or anything close!
The tidbit below was from a man. It was his advice to women on how to best handle them, (men), in relationships:
“Don’t spend all your time and energy and focus creating consistent signs that you’re interested in us. Do not make it abundantly clear that we are your first and only priority. Do not ask us to spend all of our time with you - and please don’t tell us you likely want a commitment. This is what women and need right?”
I found that perception rather interesting…and did I say that came from a male relationship coach?
What he said might strike a chord in you and you might argue, “I don’t do that! That is so needy and lame!”….and when you go through the checklist again, which you will, trying to figure out what the heck this guy was talking about….of what you do or don’t do, you might come to the conclusion that this guy is as off the rails as your relationship is right now and no help whatsoever.
BUT! Here is the crucial point to be made here and how I came to understand what he meant by the comment. Read carefully, I'll explain it to you.
When I work with a horse at liberty, (from a distance, without reins, saddle or ropes…yes, just like the movies), I am careful to be so very clear, consistent and precise in what I am asking of him. Why is it that I might ask him to do something and I get the desired response many times over and then once in a while he does something totally different? He get’s scared and runs off or does something else totally unexpected?
Because, I did not ask what I thought I asked even thought that is what I believed I conveyed.
I figured out, it comes down to the vibrational energy or vibe I am projecting from inside me in that moment. If I project a vibe that is contrary to what I thought I was projecting, even if I am physically doing the exact same things I have always done, I get a different response!
WOW! That, sweet ladies, is gold you can take to the bank!
If you project a vibe or anything close to it that triggers the type of reaction to precipitate a similar comment like the one from the man above, then you are doing exactly what makes most men want to run for the hills nuts without even knowing it.
Many men don’t know why they like or don’t like the way something feels and they mostly don’t take the time to analyze why yesterday it felt like that and why today it feels like this. Does that sound like any man you know?
In order to create that all-important feeling that makes a man want to stay, you need to show him that his life is infinitely better with you in it than without. (YEP! A quote by the same man, but this time it makes perfect sense.)
Create a Vibe of Safety
Translated, this most often means you create a vibe of SAFETY where he can RELAX with you.
Feeling Good = Safety (and) Safety = Relaxation.
Here is something else I learned from my work:
Creating a safe environment for your man fosters, not only relaxation, but 3 more positive and desirable responses in a man you might want to know about.
Just like the 4 F’s are feelings you should look to avoid, the 4 R’s are responses you might like to consider. The 4 R’s are what you want to concentrate on generating by your vibe. They keep a man close. Remember them!
Of the 4 R’s, RELAXATION is number 1. If you man can RELAX around you, it opens him up to RESPOND to you, REALIGN with you and RE-ENERGIZE around you.
You can find more about the 4F’s and the 4 R’s on my website www.coachkatelyn.com, but briefly explained…
According to our male relationship coach, men do tend to be attracted to women who are FUN, SEXY, and - here's the big one – EASY TO BE AROUND.
I would agree. We are the same for the most part. Who wants to be around Debbie or Danny Downer? If you're in your head a lot of the time - operating out of fear or anxiety mode - then by default you are NOT having fun.
If you’re in your head-worried all the time- it’s pretty hard to feel sexy even if you are naked.
…Easy to be with? Seriously?
Make Him Feel So Safe, He'll Be Running After You
My coaching techniques are easy to learn and last for a lifetime. If you come from a place of fear, anxiety, and concern or other equally “feel bad” vibes, he'll feel it and do one of the 4 F’s.
In that moment, he'll forget why you're so great for him.
But switch gears and slip into a vibe that’s fun, sexy, and easy to be with, and a man will let down his guard, experience one or all of the 4R’s and stand still - with you. He feels relaxed and safe.
When Men Feel This Safe, They Don't Call it "Safety." They Call it ATTRACTION
Because, that's what safety makes men feel - intensely attracted to you. This concept is so important to your happiness with a man - and his happiness with you.
I have many easy to learn, tools and techniques that clearly explain what men really need to feel good with you - and therefore be wildly attracted to you. Many men are not even aware of these requirements, which is why they often bolt from relationships too quickly.
While it's not your responsibility to teach a man what he needs in a relationship, and I do not suggest you even want to try to teach anything, you owe it to yourself and your life to get the love and relationship you want and deserve.