DO PEOPLE WANT TO BE HAPPY OR JUST NOT MISERABLE?

The buzz phrase of the moment seems to be surrounding our understanding or lack of understanding of “self love, thus unconditional love.”  The lack of self-awareness and unconditional love is what is lacking in this world, often making it a tangled mess of drama and chaos.  Why is that?  What causes humans as a function of being human to be so dysfunctional as a general rule? 

 We tend to spend our whole lives in search of something, and often we do not even know what that “something is”.  It leaves us in a perpetual state of “Lack.” That lack presents itself as scarcity of mindfulness, consciousness, and awareness. It shows up as anger, grief, shame, fear, and a myriad of other conditions we do not like to acknowledge.  In the end, it causes humans to be out of balance in time and space, and with all nature. Like an old pinball machine that “TILTS”, the human is much the same. 

 Have you ever noticed that every single creature and plant; everything in nature is balanced and in harmony with everything else except man? We are the aliens here. Whether we are from here or not (and that debate is for another day), whether we are God’s children made in his image, some alien civilization’s giant social science experiment or a colossal accident…or all three, my job is to help people regain their balance in time and space, and with all nature so we can lead better, healthier, more fulfilled lives.

 Each human has a frequency blueprint. That blueprint is in part transgenerational by nature. It is who we are as beings. When a human is assaulted either physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, it shows up in a variety of ways too long to mention here. The scar it leaves is labeled trauma. If the trauma is not able to dissolve or heal properly it blocks movement of energy and knocks the human off balance. It changes neurological patterning like a fragmented computer program or virus and creates havoc inside and out. 

How I have come to understand this is yet another long conversation. But in the end, it is the energy that must move to clear the path for a human to get back into its original homeostasis where we can feel happy, at peace, or at least not miserable.  

 It is proven that trauma lives in the cells long after the initial assault happened. Often the things you feel like depression, anxiety, or fear are not even yours. The term used to describe this condition is transgenerational trauma. This trauma patterning becomes part of an ancestor’s DNA and is passed down to you. Trauma you carry is often passed down to your kids and so on. Nature (DNA) + Nurture (your environmental conditions) = WHO YOU ARE. 

 Most humans have no earthly idea what they feel or why they feel it. For instance, you have very definite ideas about those people in your life that you are attracted to and those you are repulsed by. Even the food choices you make are no accident.     

Mine is a very helpful but confusing gift to have. Since you are reading this, I know you have stumbled onto my website.  That is no accident either.  Go back and read the section about trauma Lab and EVOX.  It may help you understand. Why am I telling you all of this?  Because, whether I came by it naturally, through years of my own traumatic experiences, through decades of education and practical experience, a combination or something else, I can read the pain you are in and why. The answers you are looking for can be found. Yes. They really can. And I can help you find them. I can tell you this. You won’t find your answers out there. You have them already. But instead of aimlessly stumbling through life or going the traditional therapy route that can take years and years of dedicated practice in hopes you might find what you are looking for, allow me to be your guide to quickly unravel what keeps you stuck. Let me help.

THE WAR BETWEEN SHAME AND SHAMELESSNESS

I became completely unhinged when I heard about the mass shooting at the Christian School in Nashville. I am not here to bash transgenderism, Christianity, right or left wing politics or any of that which has all but taken over mainstream media lately. I am here to look at the root cause of all of it.

I suspect that many if not all of these crimes and outrageous behaviors have their deepest roots in shame. Narcissism has its roots in shame, so does sociopathy and psychopathy. Shame, or lack of it permeates, divides and controls our lives.

What if all that is happening, all this shameless behavior, ie…..the extreme uptic in trnasgenderism and even people identifying as furries and hawks, Madonna’s outrageous facial surgery, Sam Smth’s satan worship on international stage, the sexual grooming of our kids in schools,the argument over drag queens….the aim total of outlandish radical behavior we are seeing….What if it is a revolt against shame?

Shame is the most powerful negative motivator we have in our society and it runs neck and neck with fear. Instead of a society that is shame an fear based, we are rewarding shamelessness! We see it on social media. Kim Kardashian for example, represents unabashed shamelessness and she is rewarded with millions for a sex tape. The Balenciaga advertising scandal showing little girls with S&M teddy bears. Shameless. Comedians are getting increasingly brazen. The ruthlessness with which our political parties promote character assassination, thus shame is absolutely without conscience. We are becoming increasingly divided as a result.

We are living in a war-zone. It doesn’t matter whether we have guns or not. This is a war of shame vs shamelessness. It started with the “everyone gets a trophy,” back when millennials were in grade school and we thought it was a great idea - a way to signify that all are appreciated equally. That wasn’t the right way to do it. What we should have been doing is rewarding each for their individual talents and achievements and encouraging kids to march to their own drummer. What we got for our misbegotten efforts is a generation of entitlement. And I digress.

I saw photos of the shooter when she was a child. She was a very sweet little girl. I took note of the fact that her parents were devout and extreme CHristians. What happened to that kid? I left the church behind because much of the trauma I suffered had its roots in the confines of the Catholic Church. Note that it was not God that I abandoned, just the church, it in itself is inimrtant except for that I began to understand that shame based trauma is a powerful motivator.

That is not to say that offering a bit of shame i not useful. I think of how many young people live either with their parents or in their parent’s basement. When I was young, you could be shamed by your peers for doing so. Today it is a badge of honor and celebrated. Conversely, a bit of shamelessness is healthy. Women no longer hide their pregnancy underneath tent-like clothing. Being a mom should be celebrated! But where do we draw the lne?

Trauma left unnoticed or untreated causes mental, emotional, physical and spiritual illness. I am in no way saying religion is evil. Religion and family are the glue that holds our society together. There is a line to be drawn between healthy beliefs and tyranny.

Shame creates seclusion and oppression and shamelessness creates chaos and anarchy. There is little sense and sensibility in either. We need to find a middle ground; better yet, higher ground. I do not have an answer.

THE “MASTER-BAITERS” IN YOUR LIFE.

Do you have one of these in your life? These people “bait you,” poke at you or whisper degrading little comments under their breath about you or someone you care about. They may comment about something you are insecure about or make you anxious. They may say things like, “Are you sure you want to wear that dress? It looks a little tighter than it used to.” Or, “she’s not really your friend. She is just putting up with you because you are with me.” Or, “the boss put you on that project because I turned it down. Are you sure you feel up to the work?”  

Instead of protecting you or supporting you, they use what they know about you against you. They will attempt to make you crack with a million teeny hits until you finally shatter and come unhinged. And then, the more emotional or retaliatory you become, the calmer they become.   

Once they have elicited the reaction they want, they suddenly become almost serene. They might look at you with an icy stare and say something like, “Wow. You must have a mental disorder or maybe you are just crazy to come unglued like that. You definitely need help.” Or, “You remind me of that child in the grocery store whose mother won’t buy her candy. Grow up. A tantrum won’t get you anywhere, not with me anyway”. Or,and I love this one, “Oh, it’s Friday. Isn’t Friday meltdown day?” 

This is the work of a narcissist. A favorite technique used by narcissists is called, “Baiting.” Baiting is the deliberate attempt to taunt or provoke a person to gain a desired reaction; usually an argument or fight. It is a clear sign of psychological manipulation. It is a form of abuse. Narcissists are masters at tormenting their targets until they explode in retaliation. They have a way of lighting the match and then stepping aside to delight in the explosion. And then, point the finger at you for being crazy. 

Most experts are in agreement that narcissism is on the rise. Chances are you or someone you know has been hurt by a narcissist. 

Whereas only about 5% of the population are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it is widely believed that as much as 30% of the adult population in the United States have undiagnosed narcissistic personality traits. Why? Because narcissists typically do not seek therapy. They believe you are the problem. It is never them.  

Aside from the technical clinical descriptions of narcissism, simply put, narcissists are vampires. Whether it is by physical, emotional or mental means, if you are their target, they suck the very life essence right out of you. What they seek to drain from you is called “supply.” One expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a popular podcaster and clinical psychologist said, “Narcissists are the secondhand smoke of mental health.” You are damaged just by being in close proximity, just by breathing.” 

Baiting is one of the worst kinds of narcissistic behaviors. Master-Baiter-Narcissists become balanced and settled as you become unbalanced and unsettled. What are they after? CONTROL; control of you and control of the situation. And they will stop at nothing to gain that control that they think they are losing. They will double down as many times as necessary until you finally react. It’s frustrating, exhausting and slowly whittles away your self-esteem.  

What can you do to stop this from happening to you? There are several effective techniques that I explain in detail and teach during my sessions, but let’s tackle the hardest one right now.

FLIP IT AROUND IN YOUR MIND

 When people “bait” you, and say something untrue or unkind, know that they are really talking about themselves and how they really feel about themselves deep inside. It’s true! But, the only way a narcissist can express their feelings is to direct them at you. They cannot self regulate and self soothe the way you can. It’s a long explanation. What it boils down to is the only way they can feel better is by making someone else feel worse. And you are that person for them.

If you have a person like this in your life, I can help. Email me at Katelyn@coachkatelyn.com  

WHO I AM AND WHAT I DO…..and why what I do WORKS!

It has taken me years to find a title or label that adequately describes what I do. I am an Equine Assisted Healer, sure, but even that doesn’t quite adequately describe my talent, gifts or abilities.

I have worked with hundreds of horses in my career. I don’t advertise myself as a trainer anymore because I have come to the hard fought realization that horse training must include the personal development of both horse and human simultaneously in order to be truly effective in honoring the relationship between the two. They are not mutually exclusive. I have been around long enough to know that people who come to me— do not have horse problems, their horses have people problems. And I say that with love.

I have expanded my credentials to include intensive coaching with people on improving their life whether or not a horse is in the mix. I specialize in the area of abuse and trauma recovery as well as general life affirming tips and strategies. Whether or not we include the horse in our work or work long distance over phone or teleconference, the method and results are much the same.

When using interaction between the horse and human in human development and coaching, it never ceases to amaze me how uncannily accurate horses are in their ability to show me the state of the human through that interaction with them. Its magical!

When I was very young, I thought everyone could see what I see and do what I do. I was naïve. I learned over time, they can’t. Anyone can learn, but it is a very disciplined skill set that takes time, practice and patience. Mine is a rare skill indeed; a mixture of art and science. In my professional travels over the years, I have met perfectly adequate horse trainers and riding instructors who have little clue about the human component and I have met equine assisted therapists who can certainly help the human, but have absolutely no idea how what they are doing with that human is effecting the horse. Both modalities in their attempt to do good, but acting separately, tend to be lacking; injurious even. I have found it is often a disservice to both horse and human.

When in the company of a horse, it is a natural occurrence that the horse, by their very nature will bring up the unhealed wounds in a person. Who knew? I do. I can predict it like clockwork. I also know from experience that if there is woundedness in the horse it will also show up when in the company of a human. And it shows up in ways we often mistake for misbehavior.

What unskilled trainers, riding instructors, horse enthusiasts and therapists often mistake for behavioral issues in the horse, is the horse trying to tell us in the only way they know how that they are either hurting; physically or emotionally or their needs are not being taken seriously. We tend to call these horses, “opinionated”.

Opinion has nothing to do with it. What horses are also trying to convey is it is not always them who has the behavioral issue, wound or trauma at all, it is their human counterpart whose attitude needs adjusting and healing needs to be addressed. The horse is simply trying to share that information. To the unskilled, the horse is accused of misbehavior. Talk about shooting the messenger!

It is up to the professional to figure out which dynamic is happening and when. And do horses ever simply misbehave? Absolutely. Just like humans. I have the wisdom to know the difference. Often times the behavior from the horse is very subtle. It takes a trained eye for sure. And when the unwanted behavior is obvious, the horse is sometimes punished simply for trying to speak to us and clue us in on the truth. You see, horses don’t lie, humans do. And they do it a lot. It is very sad.

What you need to understand is horses by nature do not abuse or emotionally wound their young. Humans do. Unless a horse has been injured or is ill, if that horse is acting out, it is human generated. And if a human is wounded by abuse or trauma, it is also human generated. So, when I say, a good trainer or instructor also needs to be a good therapist, I make no apologies for my words. And when I politely suggest an equine assisted therapist might want to seriously consider the “opinions”or needs of the horse, as a professional in the area of the workings of the mind, they should know better. I shouldn’t have to speak out or up.

How on earth does someone who doesn’t understand both horse and human behavior, help a horse who has been hurt by human behavior? How would they even be equipped to identify the problem? Often times they can’t and they don’t. And how can the human learning to ride, work through their unhealed wounds with a riding instructor or trainer who has no idea how to deal with human wounding and woundedness? That said, unless and until those issues are addressed, there will be a clear and omnipresent roadblock to their progress individually and in concert.

Unfortunately, what most often happens is the horse will learn to shut down or act out to avoid further injury by humans. They become completely dull or hard to manage. It’s way easier to help a horse who is still “misbehaving.” Once they become dull and shut down, it is much more difficult. They may seem compliant, but there is a definite distinction between quietly well mannered and shut down and dissociated.

Is it any different for humans? I don’t think so. And that is what makes my work equally unique and exceedingly effective. I help uncover the root cause of the problem and heal it from the inside out. Lives are irrevocably changed for the better. There is only temporary reprieve by putting a bandaid on, or dealing with the symptom. The symptom is a tool to help us find the root of the problem. The real work is much deeper. For further information or a FREE consultation, contact me Katelyn@coachkatelyn.com

LABELS ARE DANGEROUS

Categorical labeling is a tool that humans use to resolve the impossible complexity of the environments we grapple to perceive. Like so many human faculties, it's adaptive and miraculous, but it also contributes to some of the deepest problems that we face.

I believe the words we use to describe what we see aren't just idle placeholders; they actually determine what we see and how we see it. 

A friend of mine told me about a discussion she was having with her 21 yr old daughter. What her daughter said disturbed her.  “I love labels, her daughter exclaimed. “If I tell someone right up front what I am; a liberal, a feminist, an anti-racist for example, then it frees me.  They know who and what they are dealing with.  There is no game playing then.”

Had the daughter been standing in front of me, I might have said, “Well, that would be an excellent way to handle things, if you knew that their definition of whatever label you used coincided exactly with yours.  But what if it doesn’t and what about the rest of who you are as a person; your joys, your sorrows, your accomplishments and more?

I think labeling used in this manner keeps us from having any sort of real or intimate face to face communication. Much like texting as a main means of exchange, it insulates a person from ever having to deal with direct confrontation, from ever really risking being “seen” or “known.” By allowing and relying on a label to describe the entirety of person rather an action done by that person, we deny them their sovereignty, their personhood; their truth.  

Our students and young people are hurt by labels every day.  They hear them on TV, in school, at home, on the playground and on social media.  Those labels become the entire idea about that person or oneself.  

Labels are perfect for social media platforms like Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat. You can literally build a person up or cut them to ribbons in 5 words or less.  And that is how the cancel culture (label) got its name and with it, its viral nature. It is a means to call someone out quickly and publicly without any proven basis or truth required.  But, what if the statement made by my friends daughter is indicative of many of todays young people?  It is quite frankly, disturbing to say the least. 

A classic study by John Darley and Paget Gross showed what happened when a group of college students were asked whether a young girl, Hannah, seemed poor or wealthy. The students watched a video of Hannah playing in her neighborhood, and read a brief fact sheet that described her background. Some of the students watched Hannah playing in a low-income housing estate, and her parents were described as high school graduates with blue-collar jobs; the remaining students watched Hannah behaving similarly, but this time she was filmed playing in a tree-lined middle-class neighborhood, and her parents were described as college-educated professionals.

The students were asked to assess Hannah's academic ability after watching her respond to a series of achievement-test questions. In the video, Hannah responded inconsistently sometimes answering difficult questions correctly and sometimes answering simpler questions incorrectly. Hannah's academic ability remained difficult to discern, but that didn't stop the students from using her socioeconomic status as a proxy for academic ability. When Hannah was labeled "middle-class," the students believed she performed close to a fifth-grade level, but when she was labeled "poor," they believed she performed below a fourth-grade level.

Words are important.  Notice which ones you use.