At the beginning, living with a narcissistic abuser is like discovering the most beautiful meadow you could imagine. You believe you are in heaven. The trees are the greenest of green. The sun is shining and feels warm against your face. The view is so breathtaking you are overcome by an overwhelming feeling of joy. You can’t wait to explore every inch of this place. You are like a child again; full of wonder. You can’t believe your good fortune. This place is everything you ever wanted and dreamed of.
You feel so comfortable. Your surroundings, although new, feel familiar to you. You smile as you exclaim, “I am finally home. This is it.”
You immediately get to work taking care of your new home; nourishing it, watering every flower that appears thirsty, tending to every grain of sand that needs smoothing. You make it even more beautiful and you give it every ounce of your love and your energy. You are fully invested in your new world. Nothing else seems to matter but your beautiful meadow-home.
One day as you walk through your home, admiring its beauty, you spot a flower growing near your path and you take a step toward it to perhaps touch its lovely petals. You have no intention of disturbing it…and all of a sudden “BOOM!” You are struck by the most devastating blow and an inexplicable, powerful force sends you sprawling.
“Where did that come from?” you ask yourself, completely startled and shaken. You look for a source of the explosion and you notice no sign of impact anywhere. Your entire body is wracked with pain. You feel for broken bones. You look for bruises. NONE! You shake your head. “How could this be? Could I have imagined it all?” But the exhaustion you feel is very real. The heaviness in your heart is real. The sky is a bit darker. The colors are a bit different. The sun has gone behind a cloud. You lay down to rest for a while. You fall asleep.
And when you wake up and open your eyes, the meadow is as it was before – maybe even greener and brighter. It’s like nothing happened. And your mind races, “Did it happen? I know there was an explosion. I felt it! Did I imagine it?”
You take a cautious step...one more step...a few more steps...and with each step, you gain a bit of confidence. “Maybe it was just a fluke. I’ll be more careful around new flowers from now on.”
And slowly, step by step, minute by minute, the memory of the blast begins to fade. Your energy and life force return, and you start to enjoy the beauty of this magical little kingdom once more.
One day as you continue your exploration and caretaking, you spy a cute little puppy hopping toward you and without thinking, you race to pick it up and BAM! Another blow, this one more powerful than the first! “What just happened here?” you think to yourself. “I was just trying to cuddle the dog and BAM! Now I am sitting here in the dirt crying, hurt, bewildered, dazed and confused.”
And once again, you check for signs of impact. You feel sick to your stomach as you realize there are no visible signs of explosion and once again you question your sanity. This time, sad and scared as you remind yourself that you are sane and intelligent, you think, “Wow! maybe I am losing my mind. Why can’t I see it coming? Did this really happen? And what exactly am I supposed to avoid and how?”
And then you start to wonder how this place, your home, could be so beautiful and at the same time so dangerous, hurtful and riddled with invisible booby traps. Your mind is racing with impossible-to-answer questions. “What are and why do I keep getting blindsided by explosions that have no basis, no rhyme or reason? What the heck is happening here? Did I cause them? Did I not? And if so, how? Is any of this even real?
And then, intelligent rational person that you know you are, your mind comes up with a story; an answer. “Aha! I have it now. I understand. The two times I got hurt , I was touching something. So maybe if I just enjoy this place and don’t touch anything, I’ll be ok. Maybe that’s the secret.”
Full of newfound energy and hope, you carefully take a step. Nothing. One more step…and one more. A week goes by and everything is back to paradise. You are home once more. You have all but forgotten the painful blasts. You take a step and KABOOM! You are knocked clear across the field. No warning. This time you are shaken to your very core and in so much heartfelt pain, you just lie there sobbing; afraid to move for a very long time. Days pass. You are so afraid, you hardly breathe so as not to chance creating whatever it was that caused the explosion. You blame yourself. And, like the other times- you stay very still, rest for awhile to heal your wounds.
You are awakened by the puppy licking your face. You giggle with glee, forgetting for a moment that you must stay hyper alert and on guard.
“What luck! How wonderful!” And so you think. “I was wrong last time, but I am smarter now. I’ll be extra careful out there and now that I have my puppy friend to take care of I don’t want to take any risks. I will be so vigilant and so aware, no harm can befall us. I’ll be perfect and so will my life in my beautiful meadow…If I just stay on the path and don’t venture out too far, we’ll be ok.”
Time passes uneventfully and you are brilliant in your awareness. With your little floppy-eared dog in your little slice of heaven you softly tell the dog to stay close as you innocently play together. CRACK! BOOM! Another explosion.
“But I was so careful! How could this be? I know I had it right! I am not crazy!”
You are so depleted and so confused and so much in pain, you just sit with your puppy, crying painful sobs into his fur, glad he wasn’t harmed in the process, trying to make use of what is left of your brain.
“Why is it so hard to think clearly? What did I do? How did I cause these painful blows?”
You start to lose confidence in your own abilities and sanity. All the while you ask, “What the hell did I ever do to deserve this?” And so as you recover you start plotting your next course. By now you have thought about leaving, and going back to the dingy little apartment you used to live in, but the seduction of the meadow is too great. “I love this place! There has got to be a way!”
“If I stay on the path, don’t touch anything, hold the dog in my arms and do this or that and maybe if I don’t speak, maybe just maybe I can live here and not get blindsided all the time. I do not want to lose what I have. I barely remember life before this. When it’s good, it’s amazing, but I can hardly move now....and I’ve lost most everything I ever knew in the explosions. I am alone, except for my puppy. I’m afraid to stay and afraid to leave.”
Well you can see where this is going. Perhaps you can see yourself in this story. Perhaps you recognize the place I talk about. This is your life, living with abuse.
Let me share a little something with you:
The beautiful meadow is a lie. It doesn’t exist. It is a metaphor for the intermittent loving relationship you think you have with your abuser. It is a self-created fantasy safe-house to keep you from seeing the truth.
None of this is your fault. It is a function of patterning you were born with. The good news is you do not have to continue to keep living those patterns.
You are not crazy. It’s called Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem.
Verbal, emotional and mental abuse are real!....popular among narcissistic abusers because it leaves no visible scars on the abusee. That’s the beauty of it for the abuser. Who would ever believe you, right?
There is no way of ever predicting or knowing when the next attack might happen. You have no way of gauging his/her reactions or explosions. You never know what will cause them or how to stop them. There is no formula you can follow to make everything OK.
The next time WILL happen.
The only sure quick way out is- out the door for good. And I understand if that isn’t possible for some right now.
You can’t change him/her. And you can’t mold yourself into something, someone that they will appreciate. That is the hook you have bitten. You firmly believe that if you are different, if you change, they will love you. IT WON’T WORK. They are physically and emotionally incapable of love as you understand it. What the disorder makes them extremely good at is adaptation. They witness what you do or say as loving and like a parrot, they just repeat your words and action just enough in small doses and often enough to keep you stuck- with absolutely no real understanding of what they are doing or saying except that unbalancing you somehow balances them and they crave that balance and will do ANYTHING to get it. It is called Narcissistic Supply. Hurting you, feeds them.
And I know there is a strong part of you that believes, “NO! I am different. I can do it. I can keep my life here and all the good things and I can somehow find the formula to create the love and harmony. I have always dreamed of. I’m so damned close. I can do it. I am strong and smart enough!”
No, I am sorry to disagree with you, but you can’t…not without help and maybe not at all. That is up to you to get help from someone like me who truly understands the game. And to the abuser, it IS kind of like a game.
I know it feels like failure. I know it feels like rejection. And to say it is confusing and painful is an understatement. That rejection; those very real feelings are exactly the thing that feeds your beast and makes you stay. Can you see how the two fit so perfectly?
You may really feel you can’t afford to lose this one…not now. And perhaps you are right…but just perhaps, there is a point of view that you can’t see yet. There is nothing left of your shattered life and if you let go now, you will have given everything for nothing. You perhaps have wagered that the pain of staying is less than the pain of leaving. I get it. That is also part of the lie you have bought into.
I’m Coach Katelyn, and I specialize in unraveling the dynamics of toxic relationships. If this feels like you or someone close to you, please comment below, email me with your story or contact me for an appointment.
Katelyn does not claim to be a doctor or medical practitioner. If you are having a life threatening emergency, please call 911 or consult an MD.